Angel bag Lady and kaleidoscope

Excerpt out of my diary May 30 2008 7 weeks and 4 days It feels like a feather.......a feather tickling the soles of my feet.
That is how it feels , having you inside me.
So relaxed . All the time. Except 2 nights ago of course.
The night after we found out you were a miracle.
Still in there.
After that big bleeding we were in twilight zone.
Not daring to hope . Thinking of all the reasons it would be better not to be pregnant after all...
Us ; two musicians.....your father and I. Rich with each other, our Eden/Paradise , but not according to our immediate world.
How will we be able to take care of you ?

That night was full of anguish for me. Then I prayed to patiently wait upon God... and see !?.....I feel peaceful and calm again.

I asked my mother and sister about being pregnant , but they have forgotten a lot of details,so.....here it is ! :0)
You will be able to read this when you are grown up. And know that your mother is a just a human being , just like you ! Thirty eight years "old" , but I still feel like I am twenty .
This New Year ( I mean last New Years day ) started with a meteorite.
I saw it driving back from Laidily . Flashing through the sky. It had a beautiful long white tail.
It is recorded on the Internet with my name beside. Maybe you can still track it down! ? It felt like a sign.
I didn't know what for , but I knew this year was going to be special.
And now you came into being . I waited so long !:0)

Once I met a bag lady , she held my hand a touch longer then normal. It was after a concert at the "Shrine of the Immaculate Conception" in Washington DC.
The day before I got lost in South East ( after the rehearsal )
I was nervous , since I had to find the way back again.
She had very light blue eyes -she didn't look unkept at all-had snow white hair and had exactly my accent. ( Dutch )
Her name was Doris. I asked her if she was sure she wasn't Dutch after all...?!?!
"No", she said with a smile. We just talked normally. Nothing out of the extra ordinary ; she too had studied at Indiana University and told me it would be good to teach harp to young children. After she had held my hand a little longer then normal while saying it was such an honor to meet me, a peace settled down on me.
A peace so serene and profound , it didn't leave me for three days .
After I had loaded the harp and I turned to say goodbye to her , she had completely vanished.
She was nowhere to be seen ......
If you know the Shrine , you will know you just can't vanish in this wide and open space surrounding the front with the steps !
The peace stayed . A car came with people who were willing to drive in front of me to show me the way home. Home to Will . He noticed something had happened.
I didn't wash my hands for three days ....
After three days the calm feeling lifted and I have never felt it since.
But the memory warms my heart. Later I found out that "Doris" means Gift.

WHY THIS STORY ? You must think .
Do you believe in angels ?
I will continue telling the story , because it didn't end there .
The first ultra sound after the "miscarriage" , was done by a very sweet compassionate lady. She was so positive !?
Telling us more or less she wasn't sure it was definitely over.
She showed- and now don't laugh :0)- the sac and yolk....YOU . She told us it was too early to know if it was a blighted ovum or not.
Very happily she said; "Hopefully I will see you in three weeks or so"
When I asked her what her name was , she answered " Doris" The same name as the "Angel bag lady"
At that time I knew ,but hardly dared to hope. Still I questioned. I saw the possibility...God telling me about his gift ; YOU !

Feb. 28 2010

And look at us now . How little did we know ...!
Looking back it seems we were being prepared. Prepared for all that was-and maybe still is- to come.
Living right now feels like being in a kaleidoscope , or at least looking through one. That's good ! Looking through one you can start seeing the beauty of the chaos inside .